The Girl with the Broken Pen

Entries from October 2006

How Firm a Foundation?

October 30, 2006 · 1 Comment

Jen and I went hiking in Purgatory Chasm yesterday. It may sound like hell, but it was actually pretty fun. I think I’m going to make it my Sunday morning habit. Celebrate the Sabbath in Purgatory. Just the right amount of irony.

So, we’re sitting there, freezing, having lunch at a weathered picnic table, and I say, “Why do you think they named it Purgatory Chasm?”

Jen says, “Well, Massachusetts was founded by a bunch of superstitious Puritans. They probably looked down this deep hole in the ground and thought it went half way to Hell.”

I love Jen.

 ****

It’s been another trying week. I told Pris yesterday that life is just a blur right now, and that is the perfect way to describe it. Trying to work 65 hours a week and go to school has caught up with me. I took a day off from Wendy’s this week, but then wound up working almost 14 hours on Thursday and then going in for a lunch shift on what was my normal day off. Needless to say, I didn’t get much done.

 So, I spent last night at Shell trying to play catch up, but my mind was sluggish and the material was more challenging than I’ve been used to. I have gotten pretty complacent and I’ve mistaken ease for infallibility. I just really don’t understand T-accounting, and it’s frustrating to bang my head against something repeatedly and still not understand it.

 I’m supposed to be smart, damn it.

****

But the weariness is getting to me. I’m losing sight of my goals and I’m *this* close to just saying screw it and just coast for the rest of the semester.

I’m avoiding the GREs, though I need to take them sooner rather than later. I need to make my short list of programs. Do I want to stay here? Go south? Venture west?

Do I want an orthodox program? If so, I really need to hit the math books. I need at least two Calcs and a Linear Algebra, which makes me wish I had just minored in math. Especially since I am leaning towards Econometrics.

Who ever thought the Christian Studies and Philosophy major would end up a stats geek?

Categories: economics · mishaps

Black and White Jesus

October 20, 2006 · 3 Comments

As a writer and avid reader, it is no surprize to me that God comes to me in words.

I read book after book, searching chapter after chapter for some sort of intimate encounter with the divine. As much as I wish it were true, I am not a mystic. I don’t expect to find Jesus in the starlight or the sunrise. I think nature is pretty and all, but that’s where its utility ends for me. No mountaintop theophanies here.

Maybe it is the variety of what I read, but I can’t help but see God in infinite shades of grey. I’m as likely to read an Anne Tyler novel as I am to read a religious tome, and each and every one contributes in some way to my world view.

So, it is not problematic to me that the same God who commanded entire groups of people to be destroyed, right down to the sheep and goats, is the same who commanded us to love one another as ourselves. It’s not inconsistency; it’s character development.

I know, I know. There’s no place for flippancy here.

Or maybe there is.

Frankly, I’m sick and tired of the notion of a black and white God, completely lacking in naunce and depth. Christian and atheist alike try to paint God into a little box, either believing because they think He fits into the box, or denying because He doesn’t.

Do we really expect the Creator of Universe to be easily understood, without ambiguities and full of absolutes?

What a shallow and unsatisfying deity.

Categories: Spiritual

Out Sick

October 18, 2006 · 1 Comment

I know it’s been a week, but I have been felled by the flu.

Might I suggest Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Friday Night Lights, Criminal Minds, Grey’s Anatomy, Weeds, Numb3rs, Justice, Dexter or House?

It’s what all the cool kids are watching.

And by cool kids, I mean, of course, me.

Categories: mishaps

Slap Dash

October 12, 2006 · 3 Comments

So, Linds and I got into some kind of argument, as we are wont to do. I was probably right.

In a moment of frustration, she attempts to insult me. What does she say in her meager attempt?

“Market Economist!”

To which I reply, with equally insulting intention, “Keynesian-influenced Marxist!”

Oh, we are just so cool it hurts.

_______________________

 

Walking through downtown with Tim and Morgan, I tell Tim about a book he really should read, because he’d love it.

“Is that the one by the guy from Killing the Buddha?”

Blank stare. “You know about KtB? How long have you known about it?”

“A while now.”

“And you never told me about it? Did you not think I’d like it?”

“Killing the Buddha is like a religious experience. Each must find it in his own way.”

Jackass. My way could have been through YOU. And I say jackass with all possible affection.

 _______________________

 

Talking to Lindsey after a tough day at Wendy’s, making sandwiches for what seemed to be all of New England.

“You know, it’s really humbling to realise you can’t be good at everything.”

“You don’t realise it now, but you sound like a complete jerk by saying that.”

I’m puzzled. “But I just said I know I can’t be good at everything.”

“Yeah, and it took you till you were 24 to realise it?”

“Good point.”

In fairness to myself, I know that I’m not good at a lot of things, but it still escapes me on a regular basis as to why I can’t be good at everything. I really think that hard work and determination should mean that if I try enough, I can be good at everything. Sadly, this has not proven to be the case.

_______________________

 

The other night I couldn’t sleep, so I went on a long walk.

As it turns out, I live in an area teeming with religiosity.

In walking distance of my apartment are an Orthodox synagouge, a Society of Friends Meetinghouse, and Episcopalian, Catholic, Pentecostal, and Baptist churches.

How cool is that?

Categories: Books · Spiritual · bio · economics · mishaps

Let My People Go

October 8, 2006 · Leave a Comment

My hands tremble a little. Maybe it’s the cold of the October morning, or maybe it’s the anticipation, or maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but something offers its resistance.

This is a dangerous moment. I’m hesitant to take it.

But I have to start somewhere, so I start in the Begining.

In the begining was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

As I read it, I know that the Joseph Smith Translation renders it differently, cleaning up all the ambiguity, taking all the mystical out of it, removing all hints of trinitarian heresy. But I ignore it. This is to be a reading without the need for clarification, without the undue influence of Authority or Tradition.

And the Catholicism of my youth and Mormonism of my adolescence make me feel dirty. I feel blasphemous, like I’m switching sides in an eternal game of capture the flag.

The Reformers are vilified in Catholicism. Depending on who you ask, Martin Luther just may have been the Devil. Mormonism lauds the Reformers as trailblazers who made way for the Restoration. Just a means to an end. Now that the last days have been ushered in, there is no need for so-called reformers; who needs reform when you’ve got a prophet who speaks to Jesus face to face?

And yet I feel a certain kinship to those who stood apart from the powerful institutions who insisted that they and only they had the ear if God. I feel closer to strangers than I do to my spiritual kin.

When my father surrendered his parental rights, besides visiting rights, he made one request–that we be raised Catholic. Sure, we would be raised by strangers, but we would have the faith of our fathers. Our God would be recognizable to him and we would share that spiritual heritage.

Spiritual heritage is no less important in Mormonism. “Hey, baby, what’s your tribe?” maybe be a joke bandied about with sneering affection, but it belies a solid truth. Who you are tied to–sealed to–is important.

It is not enough that we are grafted onto the line of Israel. We’re also Judahites, Danites, Benjaminites, Manassahites, Ephraimites, or any of the other -ites. When the literal Gathering occurs, you go where your people go.

But when I read that one verse and contemplatee the expanse of what came into being through him, I look around  and there’s a gulf between me and my people.

Categories: Spiritual · bio

From “Through Painted Deserts”

October 8, 2006 · Leave a Comment

“I will sleep beneath the stars and whisper thank you to the Creator of the universe, as a way of reacquainting myself to an old friend, a friend who says you don’t have to be smart or good-looking, or religious or anything; you just have to cling to Him, love Him, need Him, and listen to His story.”

– Donald Miller

Categories: Spiritual

Why Crystal is Not Allowed in Bookstores

October 5, 2006 · 4 Comments

books.jpg

I realize that my picture taking skills are lacking. It is a camera phone after all, so here is the list, all bought this morning, when I should have been studying anyway:

  • Thank You For Smoking (DVD)
  • Jesus Land
  • Through Painted Deserts
  • The Seven Storey Mountain
  • The Philospher’s Handbook (I like a little philosophy with my religion)
  • The Tender Bar
  • The Memory Keeper’s Daughter
  • Clay Aiken’s Latest CD

I would link them all for you, so that you’d know all about the books and who wrote them and such, but I am too lazy. Amazon them yourself. Amazon should be a verb, just like Google. You read it here first.

By way of explination and defense of myself, I haven’t bought any books for a while, and I need to replace the couple hundred I’ve lost to the fact that the One Who Birthed Me was holding a lot of my books for me, but then she went and stole my identity, so I don’t expect to get them back anytime ever.

And there are less books than should be on the list, because I FORGOT (the horror!) that part of my purpose in going to the bookstore was to look for that new translation of the Inferno. The one with the reference to The Devil Went Down to Georgia. I kid you not.

Anyway, one of the books was actually free, in one of those buy two get one deals. Through Painted Desserts was an impulse buy, because it sounds like Killing the Buddha, which I loved. But I may be just setting myself up for dissapointment, because obviously it can’t be the same and what I really what is more KTB.

The Seven Storey Mountain was what I actually went in for, and the Philosopher’s Handbook caught my eye and serves to balance all the religion. Thank You For Smoking needs no defense. Best Movie Ever. Okay, maybe not ever, but totally awesome.

And there really is no defense for the Clay Aiken, but I just couldn’t resist.

::hangs head in shame::

Categories: Books · mishaps

Mystical Dreams

October 4, 2006 · 7 Comments

Every year or so, I hunt down this test from MethodX.
And every year, I get the same result:

You are a Sage, characterized by a thinking or head spirituality. You value responsibility, logic, and order. Maybe that’s why you were voted “Most Dependable” by your high school classmates. Structure and organization are important to you. What would the world be like without you? Chaos, that’s what! Your favorite words include should, ought, and be prepared. What makes you feel warm and fuzzy? Like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof it’s tradition! tradition! tradition!

Because you love words, written or spoken, you enjoy a good lecture, serious discussions, and theological reflection. Prayer for you usually is verbal. You thrive on activity and gatherings of people, such as study groups. Sages on retreat likely would fill every day with planned activities, leaving little time for silence or solitude.

We need Sages for your clear thinking and orderly ways. You pay attention to details that others overlook. Sages make contributions to education, publishing, and theology. You often are the ones who feel a duty to serve, give, care, and share with the rest of us.

On the other hand, sometimes you seem unfeeling, too intellectual, or dry. Can you say “dogmatic”? You may need to experience the freedom of breaking a rule or two every now and then. God’s grace covers Sages too, you know!

So, why do I continue to hunt it down and take it year after year?

Because I’d really rather be a mystic.

Tim’s a mystic, and I’m jealous.

I don’t want to be just like Tim when I grow up (we’re already alike enough as it is thankyouverymuch), but I do want to be like my very favorite mystic, Thomas Merton.

I don’t remember exactly how it was that I stumbled upon Merton. I think Tim must have mentioned the name so often that when I saw the book on the shelf, my hand reached out of its own accord and snatched it off the shelf.

What I do remember is how enthralled I was by the Seven Storey Mountain. I would read it on my long train rides into Boston, sometimes missing my stop and having to trek back down Comm Ave, past the GSU and to my Bible class, the October wind turning my ears and cheeks the color of my favorite leaves.

It was fitting, really. I read the book as the trees were preparing to die for the winter, to be reborn in the spring. My Catholicity followed almost the same arc. What had died and been lying dormant for a long winter came back to life that spring, and it was mostly Merton’s fault.

My Mormonism died with my old self that winter and it’s never really been the same.

They say that Baptism leaves an indeible mark on your soul, and the joke goes that no one knows what it looks like, but it sure burns brightly in Hell.

But I think it burns brightly in the here and now, too, somehow overshadowing all further attempts at spirituality that aren’t quite Catholic/catholic enough.

Categories: Spiritual

The Story

October 3, 2006 · Leave a Comment

I’m reading and I feel the familiar tightness in my chest, almost commanding me to contract. To fold inward, to become smaller than my self.

 Some feel God in the burning of their bosoms. To me, He comes like a pit in my stomach. The Holy Spirit of Terror.

 I keep reading until I can take it no more and I put the book down. Very clever, Lord, coming to me in the word, in the story. Logos. I like it.

 I can’t go anywhere, so I begin to pace. I make circles around the store. Wandering, not to seek, but to avoid being found. I try to start reading again, but my mind is fixated on something. On Something. On You.

 So, I open the laptop and begin to type. If you come when I take in the Word, will you leave when I push the Story from my soul?

Categories: Spiritual

Just Getting By in America

October 3, 2006 · Leave a Comment

I do have to admit writing this paper made me feel a little dirty inside.

The recent controversy about illegal immigrants covered a wide range of issues, but when I read the newspapers, watched the news, or listened to talk radio, I heard one theme that repeated itself again and again: jobs. Americans seemed most concerned about the loss of what they deemed “their jobs” to those who were living on American soil illegally.

What struck me most is that the jobs held by illegal aliens are typically the kind that Barbara Ehrenriech writes about in her book, Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America. Most work the jobs that are lowest paying, often physically demanding, with little, if any benefits—the types of jobs that most Americans say they would not want to work themselves. So, why is there so much societal anger over immigrants taking these jobs?

I submit that the reason is simple. These so-called undesirable jobs serve an important function in our economy, as evidenced by the circumstances of Ehrenriech’s Merry Maids co-workers, and given that they are willing to work a difficult job for so little pay. Ehrenriech writes,

 

“While I wait in the inner room, where the phone is and Tammy has her desk, to be issued a uniform, I hear her tell a potential customer on the phone that The Maids charges $25 per person-hour. The company gets $25 and we get $6.65 for each hour we work? I think I must have misheard, but a few minutes later I hear her say the same thing to another inquirer” (Mulvaney 418).

When I first read Nickel and Dimed a few years back, I felt the same incredulousness that Ehrenreich conveys in the above passage. I thought that the company was exploitative and that the low wage rate was a gross injustice. But three years and a handful of economics courses later, my mind has changed. While I still feel a bit uncomfortable with the low wage and feel that the employer is exploitative to a degree, I understand more about why. I understand that the market dictates both the wage the employer pays and the rate he charges his customers.

The author goes on to say, “[T]he only advantage of working here as opposed to freelancing is that you don’t need a clientele or even a car. You can arrive straight from welfare or, in my case, the bus station—fresh off the boat” (Mulvaney 418). She says ‘only’, as if this were a small obstacle to be overcome, but this factor is the key to why the wage is only $6.65 an hour, as opposed to $15. A freelancing maid is thought to have human capital that these others lack. She has at least a car, as well as the social capital to secure a clientele. She knows people, how to talk to them, and has the business acumen to run her own single person company.

The typical Merry Maid is just as Ehrenreich describes—just off welfare or the boat, without a car and without many choices. In short, she is a low skilled, or no skilled, worker. If she quits, she is likely to get another job with about the same pay rate; she simply does not have the skill set to get a higher paying job. And when she does quit, her employer can easily replace her with another willing to take $6.65 an hour. He has no economic incentive to pay his workers a higher wage. In fact, he has an economic disincentive to do so. If he pays his employees more, he simply loses profits, for nothing in return. He is not going to get a higher quality worker. As the passage tells us, there really is no skill or quality involved in the job, The aim is to simply make things look good, with the least possible work done. That is not to say that the employees don’t work hard. The problem is that most anybody can do it.

Furthermore, if the employer were to pay his employees more, he would probably cut his workforce down in order to make up for the loss of profits. While the wage increase would benefit those who were not laid off, it would do far more damage to those who were. Those who lost their jobs would prefer $6.65 an hour to nothing at all, which is why they are willing to work in the first place.

Much has been said by sociologists like Ehrenreich about the injustice of working so hard for so little. And while I sympathize with the hard life facing those who work these low paying jobs, I know that those same jobs fill a real need. Paying higher wages may seem like the easy solution, but that is the problem. It seems so easy, but it would hurt those it aims to protect most.

Categories: economics