Constant Comparisons

You know, I read the blogs of others quite frequently, and this is why I don’t write un my own as frequently.

I am not them. I do not have their lives. I do not have their concerns. I do not have their talents.

And I certainly do not have their spirituality.

I have the longing; the wishing; the hoping, but I also have the knowledge that I will never be what they are.

You want to know the status of my prayer life? It sucks. I hate it. I feel like I am talking to some invisible man, who quite possibly does not exist.

I say this not because I don’t believe in God. Oh, I am sure he exists up there on His big ol’ mountain. But he is up there and I am down here and I just can’t bring myself to actually believe that he gives a damn about me.

That’s right. I said it. Blasphemy.

I don’t believe in a Personal Savior. Just don’t.

I believe that Jesus died to save us all, and he loves us all, in that crazy way that only God can. But he doesn’t love me, Crystal, crazy girl who prays to an invisible god.

He loves me. Child of God, someday Mother in Zion. Maybe even someone’s wife someday.

I guess I believe that God loves me in concept.

It’s the only way that I can accept it.

I can go to Church. I can pay my tithing. I can serve my neighbor and love him as I love myself.

But don’t ask me to pray.

I don’t believe in a God who answers prayers.

Crawling Toward Zion

It must come as quite a shock to see new words on this screen. It will come as a shock to me if there is anyone left reading this blog.

The hour is late and my lids are droopy, but my mind is wide awake.

So much has changed and so much is so much the same.

I have a move planned that begins in two weeks. I am moving southward, back very close to my hometown.

I feel an ever-increasing need to gather closer to the people whom I love. So, I am. I will be leaving a few people behind here, but I will still work with the most important of the bunch. The commute to work will be more than worth the time and effort.

I’m renting a few rooms from the Livingstons, a family to whom I have been close for many years. The children are truly a delight, Bret makes me laugh even when calling me to repentance (which he does for good reason!), and Kora always helps put things in perspective for me.

For the first time, I will live in a household that has the Priesthood present, and it brings me an odd sense of comfort. I’ve been praying and studying and changing, and there is nothing more I need right now than the influence that only the Gospel can give.

School can wait.

I have more important things to learn right now.