To Stress or Not to Stress?

Life really does get in the way of blogging, at least when you are as deliciously lazy as I am. When blogworthy things are happening, I am far too busy to actually blog them. That would make entirely too much sense. 

I find myself currently in the midst of an existential crisis, most notably existential because I am not sure if it is even occurring, or if I am just being an insufferable ninny. Probably the latter. 

Everything is going swimmingly. I’m beyond happy at work, succeeding for the first time in a little while. My confidence is definitely back. I’m reminded that doing well in (reasonably) less than favorable circumstances is my specialty and that I can have full control of a kitchen without being unpleasant about it. 

It is an amazing confidence boost to find that people actually like working with me. Not all of them, mind you. I’m not that nice. 

I couldn’t be happier relationship wise. Current connections are strengthening and new ones are being built, and I continued to be surprised at almost every turn. I might turn out to be a fully formed person someday!

Maybe this existential crisis just needed to be written out of my system. I miss the rhythmic pounding of keys and of iambic meter, carefully measured and artfully disrupted. The sentences that aren’t really. The turns of phrase that are trite, but still leave a warm feeling in that center of my brain that is all too pleased with itself. 

Maybe it’s time to pause from the reading, put down the books, and start working on my own.

Nah. 

Too lazy.

Moving On

I’m really moving on in so many ways these days, that my head is almost spinning.

There’s the literal moving of home, which is now 95% complete, and will be finished before close of business today. And while this moving is the most immediate and phyisically demanding, it’s not the hardest.

I’m a clinger. I hate change of any kind. but I love growth, and growth demands change.

I’m learning that it’s okay for some people not to be in my life, even if their influence is mostly positive, and especially when their influence is mostly negative. Time may be infinite in the long term, but in the short term, there is a distinct shortage. It reminds me of that joke that in the long run, the market will fix itself, but as Keynes says, ‘in the long run, we are all dead.’

Letting go of fanciful notions is a tough process, too, and it’s one that pushes me into cynicism, as if I am not jaded enough. My One True Love is not my one true love. Heck, even my crushes are no longer my crushes. This aspect of moving on is one that is so healthy, but not so healthy, too, because it makes me build walls every time. I still have some growing to do in this department.

Instead of letting go and letting God, I am simply letting go of God. If he is really all-knowing, he will know why, and perhaps if he can see the future, he can see my eventual return, or maybe I won’t return. The universe I envision does not include a God who needs or wants worship. He seems far too laissez faire for that.

That post is still coming, but the boxes are beckoning.

Why So Silent?

There’s nothing like moving to demonstrate to oneself how much of a consumer one is. 

I am tempted to just light a match to everything and start over.

But then, I would have to walk around naked. 

And that is good for no one.

Messy

As everyone else in my life, besides me, expected, I caved. 

I didn’t end up quitting my job.

Partially because I am a pushover; it’s part of my genetic makeup. People convince me of things all the time. On a minutely basis, even.

And partially because I have nothing to lose by waiting a few months. I have the opportunity to keep my secure job and start over in another location. I really ought to at least try. 

* * * *

Spent some time on the phone with my brother-in-law, who I am closer to than any of my brothers, and he could sense the abject sadness that I just can’t shake. I told him all about work and home and the moving, and he could tell that those were issues, but that it wasn’t what was really bothering me. Older brothers are awesome like that.

So, we talked about what was really bothering me, and while it didn’t help in the fixing it sense, it helped in the everything is going to be okay sense. 

I try not to have a lot of bitterness about the past and the circumstances of my childhood, but the one thing that just pisses me off is the stunted emotional growth that has resulted. I’ve been able to get past everything else by sheer will. This is a little harder to overcome. 

I shouldn’t be feeling this right now. I’m 26 years old. Time to be a big girl about life. 

And I try, and sometimes, I even put on a good show, but everybody is right. I am such a mess.

The Downside of Happiness

I know without a doubt that quitting my well-paying job, and trading my salary for my happiness is the right thing to do, but there are those little thoughts that just nag at me sometimes.

Like, the fact that Christmas is two months away, and my low paying new job, if I find one, just won’t buy quality Christmas gifts. 

This was supposed to be the year that I could afford really great gifts for everyone. I had finally landed myself a “real” job, and could gift accordingly. 

Ah, but life totally gets in the way. 

And I know, I know. Christmas isn’t about the gifts, yadda yadda.

But it still makes me a little sad inside.

Oh, Black Day Indeed

I was watching Numb3rs and it bored me. 

What is happening to me? 

Oh, cruel, cruel world!

(Yes, the high brow hilarity continues. This must be fluff week.)

Jibberish Times Three

I haven’t been in blogging mode for a few days, but I have been in sleeping mode. 

Sleep, sleep, sleep, work, work, work, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Ah, but tonight is my last night of work before my two days off. All I can really say is yay, yay, yay!!!!

Oh, this is such the high brow blog!

Tomorrow will probably be consumed by homework, preparation and more sleep, and Thursday will be fun, fun, fun. 

But that post is for the other blog.

Dear Self,

Despondency, abject tiredness, alcohol–even in small quantities, and blogging do not mix. 

Please keep this in mind. 

Helpfully yours, 

You

NB: Who the hell pushed my view count from 14 to 95? You impress me.

Neediness

It’s funny how a need just pops up insistently sometimes, and just tortures you until it is met. It’s so needy that way.

Although I have co-dependent/dependent qualities, and I strive for interdependence, I have always thought of myself as a pretty independent girl. I don’t like the connotation of woman. Woman always sounds matronly to my girlish ears. So, screw being an independent woman. I’ll stick with girl.

Anyway, I’ve always kind of taken care of (or not taken care of) myself. Emotionally, physically, financially. It’s been me. And there’s been a degree of pride to it.

But the thing is… I don’t want to be independent and always in control, at least on some metaphysical level.

I mean, I still want that control in the sense of the neediness. I want to be the one to demand that my need be met, because it is so demanding to me. It distracts me from everything else. Whether I am studying, working, or just trying to relax, the need pops up and says, “Hey, remember me, your incessant need. Get me filled!”

And I can’t. At least not on my own. It’s a need I can’t fill by myself, and it kills me. And yet, it sustains me.

Here is this one thing I do not control; that I don’t get to decide if my need gets filled. And yet, it’s a need. It’s an incredibly awesome mindfuck.

But don’t get me wrong, as awesome as it is, I still want the need met, damn it.

(I think this is where the footstomp goes.)

Two-Timing

Sorry, but today’s post is actually over here.

Thanks for stopping by, though.