I find myself currently in the midst of an existential crisis, most notably existential because I am not sure if it is even occurring, or if I am just being an insufferable ninny. Probably the latter. 

Everything is going swimmingly. I’m beyond happy at work, succeeding for the first time in a little while. My confidence is definitely back. I’m reminded that doing well in (reasonably) less than favorable circumstances is my specialty and that I can have full control of a kitchen without being unpleasant about it. 

It is an amazing confidence boost to find that people actually like working with me. Not all of them, mind you. I’m not that nice. 

I couldn’t be happier relationship wise. Current connections are strengthening and new ones are being built, and I continued to be surprised at almost every turn. I might turn out to be a fully formed person someday!

Maybe this existential crisis just needed to be written out of my system. I miss the rhythmic pounding of keys and of iambic meter, carefully measured and artfully disrupted. The sentences that aren’t really. The turns of phrase that are trite, but still leave a warm feeling in that center of my brain that is all too pleased with itself. 

Maybe it’s time to pause from the reading, put down the books, and start working on my own.

Nah. 

Too lazy.

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul 
A restlessness that I can’t seem to tame 
Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go 
There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul. 

There’s a hurricane that’s raging through my blood 
I can’t find a way to calm the sea 
Maybe I’ll find someday the waters aren’t so rushed 
Right now they’ve got the best of me 
And oh, it’s been a long, long time 
Since I had real peace of mind 
So I’m just going to sit right here 
In this old chair till this storm rolls by. 

Oh, maybe it’s just the way I am 
Maybe I won’t ever change 
So I’m just going to sit right here 
In this old chair and just soak up the rain. 

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul 
Every time I think it’s gone away 
Dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow 
The sun’s going to shine someday I hope 

There’s a spirit of a storm in my soul, in my soul.

Bold are those that I accomplished.

Italics I’m still working on.

Strikethrough are the no longer desireds.

1. Bear testimony completely by the Spirit.
2. Spend a summer in Ireland.
3. Publish a book.
4. Get married in the Temple.
5. Go waterskiing.
6. Climb a mountain.
7. Get my MBA.
8. Buy a house.
9. Understand the Book of Mormon.
10. Have a two-way conversation with God.
11. Watch my children get married.
12. Get out of debt.
13. Feel comfortable in my own skin.
14. Own my own business.
15. Read thousands of books.
16. Recieve my Edowments.
17. Speak another language.
18. Learn to cook well.
19. Eat lots of chocolate.
20. Serve a mission.
21. Learn to ski.
22. Beat Bret at Pinochle.
23. Become completely interdependent.
24. Do what I love for a living.
25. Say what I mean.
26. Get my degree.
27. Visit a monastery.
28. Live where no one knows my name.
29. Stop hunger.
30. Adopt a child.
31. Watch a World Cup Game live.
32. Love without fear.
33. Have confidence in myself.
34. Watch the Red Sox with ANOTHER World Series.
35. Sleep under the stars.
36. Go on a cruise.
37. Be someone’s hero.
38. Rock my baby to sleep.
39. Travel in Europe.
40. Embrace my inner geek.
41. Win an argument with Justin.
42. Be in soccer shape.
43. Read Catch-22.
44. Treat my body like a temple.
45. Walk up the stairs without getting winded.
46. Decorate my house.
47. Learn to act on promptings.
48. Get a Hobby.
49. Kiss in the rain.
50. See a Broadway show.

I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same. 

How terribly cliche.

I thought I had handily dispensed of the sickness the first time, with the might of a fully finished round of anti-biotics–which is quite the feat for me, but it is back with a vengence. For the first time ever, I have to use an inhaler to breathe. 

So, this is why the writing has been sparse. I just have noooooo energy. 

I’m glad Gramma is here to spoil me with dinner and sandwiches and nagging reminders to take my medication.

The love is felt.

Anyway, while I was moving, I found a list from a few years ago of 100 things to do before I die, which was really only 50 items long. It was interesting to read, because I could cross a few off the list because I had accomplished them: 

• Beat Bret at Pinochle
• Embrace my Inner Geek
• Be Comfortable in my own Skin (hey, almost there!)

And some I could cross off because I just don’t want them anymore:

• Serve a Mission
• Recieve my Endowments

I guess it’s time for a new list. 

Heck, I love adding new pages, even if no one reads them but me.

There’s the literal moving of home, which is now 95% complete, and will be finished before close of business today. And while this moving is the most immediate and phyisically demanding, it’s not the hardest.

I’m a clinger. I hate change of any kind. but I love growth, and growth demands change.

I’m learning that it’s okay for some people not to be in my life, even if their influence is mostly positive, and especially when their influence is mostly negative. Time may be infinite in the long term, but in the short term, there is a distinct shortage. It reminds me of that joke that in the long run, the market will fix itself, but as Keynes says, ‘in the long run, we are all dead.’

Letting go of fanciful notions is a tough process, too, and it’s one that pushes me into cynicism, as if I am not jaded enough. My One True Love is not my one true love. Heck, even my crushes are no longer my crushes. This aspect of moving on is one that is so healthy, but not so healthy, too, because it makes me build walls every time. I still have some growing to do in this department.

Instead of letting go and letting God, I am simply letting go of God. If he is really all-knowing, he will know why, and perhaps if he can see the future, he can see my eventual return, or maybe I won’t return. The universe I envision does not include a God who needs or wants worship. He seems far too laissez faire for that.

That post is still coming, but the boxes are beckoning.

I am tempted to just light a match to everything and start over.

But then, I would have to walk around naked. 

And that is good for no one.

And did I mention the extra hour of sleep?

But of course, no sleep in happening here, because my brain won’t shut off. My life has become much more complicated, now that I am being all open to new ideas and trying to grow emotionally.

Deciding to be a big girl about life doesn’t mean that I don’t still get my feelings hurt; it just means that my emotional response should be more proportional to the stressor. And I think so far, so good. Most of the time. I’m still going to be very emotionally sensitive. Whether that is a result of the abandonment or the abuse, or just a perfectly healthy character trait, I’m not sure. 

I do know that I am much better at coming down from my irrationality rather quickly, after some time to think things through. This is progress for a girl who usually reacts to any small emotional wound as if the world were truly ending.

Somewhere out there, is my happiness. 

Maybe it will come dressed in a deep red sweater.

Usually, when I listen to my iPod, if a song isn’t one of the chosen few of the moment, I skip right past in to one of my favorites. I don’t even give it the time of day. 

But last night, I decided that as long as I didn’t absolutely hate the song, I was going to listen to it and give it a shot. It was quite enjoyable. 

I’ve also been doing the same with thoughts. Instead of just pushing away everything that didn’t fit into my pre-concieved, narrowly defined paradigm, I entertained thoughts that often leave me uncomfortable. 

A lot of these thoughts have to do with God and divinity in general. I’ve been questioning my conception of God, and where I fit in the scheme of things in a much different way lately. 

In the past, God was just GOD and I was just this completely insignificant, unworthy creation who would simply never be worthy–Atonement or no Atonement. 

And I’ve come to some conclusions that many in my life, culture, and religion would find completely disturbing. But this is my journey and my struggle. My path to enlightenment is simply going to be different than yours, but that’s okay. 

Now that I’ve accepted that, my next post on the nature of God and the inconcievibilty of sin will be much easier to write.