Messy

As everyone else in my life, besides me, expected, I caved. 

I didn’t end up quitting my job.

Partially because I am a pushover; it’s part of my genetic makeup. People convince me of things all the time. On a minutely basis, even.

And partially because I have nothing to lose by waiting a few months. I have the opportunity to keep my secure job and start over in another location. I really ought to at least try. 

* * * *

Spent some time on the phone with my brother-in-law, who I am closer to than any of my brothers, and he could sense the abject sadness that I just can’t shake. I told him all about work and home and the moving, and he could tell that those were issues, but that it wasn’t what was really bothering me. Older brothers are awesome like that.

So, we talked about what was really bothering me, and while it didn’t help in the fixing it sense, it helped in the everything is going to be okay sense. 

I try not to have a lot of bitterness about the past and the circumstances of my childhood, but the one thing that just pisses me off is the stunted emotional growth that has resulted. I’ve been able to get past everything else by sheer will. This is a little harder to overcome. 

I shouldn’t be feeling this right now. I’m 26 years old. Time to be a big girl about life. 

And I try, and sometimes, I even put on a good show, but everybody is right. I am such a mess.

That’s a Stabbin!

Despite my two week notice, I still had to go to a training class for two days this week. And the nerd in me rejoiced. I love the theorhetics of my job. If my job happened all on paper, and it mattered more what I knew than how I executed it in the face of reality, I would be golden.

But yesterday marked the return to the face of reality. Despite my jaded cynicism, I’m still an limited optimist. See, I drink the koolaid; I think that our Operations Systems are there for a reason, and the best run stores are those that run according to Systems. 

So, I went to work yesterday, and gave it the old college try. There was TTMing and Coaching going on, and I decided it was time to hold people accountable. So what if it was my last two weeks; there was going to be decorum on my last shifts, and it was going to be driven by me.

It started with the iPod. “Jane Doe, you are on order taker, you can’t have your iPod in.”

“I’ve had in on all day.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have. Put it away.”

And after some huffing and puffing, it was put away. 

Except that Jane Doe was now pissed, and proceeded to SLAM the window everytime it closed and opened. 

“Jane, you really can’t be slamming the window. Please stop.”

And then I moved on. “Joan Doe, you’re leaving at seven, so I need you to make sure all the salads are moved over and everything is stocked and cleaned.”

Imagine, Joan Doe didn’t give me a problem. She simply said, “Okay, I’m working on it.” I said thank you and moved on…

…to Jane Doe, who was leaving at 8.

“Jane, I really need you to be working on those dishes. They’re piling up back there.”

“No, I don’t want to do them.”

“Well, if they’re not done by eight, you don’t get to leave, so I suggest you do them now. Seriously, please just go do your dishes.”

I won’t recount anymore of the discussion, because it was both tedious and completely out of control. This girl had a meltdown. The swearing and the screaming on her part led to a phone call on my part to my supervisor, in which I completely lost it and threw my keys across the office and slammed the door in a fit of rage, and a declaration that I wasn’t going to make it the final week and a half.  It was not pretty.

But even uglier was the scene that ensued when I tried to get Jane Doe gracefully out the door, so as not to impact the operations of my restaurant any further. While I was switching drawers, she told whomever she was speaking to on the phone, that she was going to “stab that bitch.”

Three guesses as to who the bitch in question was.

All over dishes. 

God Almighty, I need a nice, serene job. Stat.

The Downside of Happiness

I know without a doubt that quitting my well-paying job, and trading my salary for my happiness is the right thing to do, but there are those little thoughts that just nag at me sometimes.

Like, the fact that Christmas is two months away, and my low paying new job, if I find one, just won’t buy quality Christmas gifts. 

This was supposed to be the year that I could afford really great gifts for everyone. I had finally landed myself a “real” job, and could gift accordingly. 

Ah, but life totally gets in the way. 

And I know, I know. Christmas isn’t about the gifts, yadda yadda.

But it still makes me a little sad inside.

Unnegotiable To-Do List

Left to my own devices, without external guidance, mostly in the form of self-made lists, I would spend all of my time laying in bed, sleeping, stumbling through the internet, and watching Stargate. 

While these things are fine and dandy on a limited basis, the temptation always exists to waste all of my days off doing this. I have two in a row this week, and plenty of things that need doing. 

So, time for not only a To-Do List, but an Unnegotiable To-Do List. I’ll have to conjure up some dire consequences for failure to complete it. Maybe something like watching a Presidential Debate. ::shudder::

1. Pay Parking Ticket
2. Pay Excise Tax
3. Make Turnip Dish
4. Re-new Prescriptions
5. Cancel Netflix
6. Go to Drs
7. Finish the Structure post for the Other Blog and Post it

Totally managable. 

Happiness in Two Bowls

It took me a little while, but my happiness isn’t found behind a counter; it’s usually right there on the counter, and it often comes in a bowl.

For the longest while, I tied my self worth to my net worth, and my empowerment to my spending power. 

I am such the silly girl. 

A few days ago, I put in my two weeks’ notice. In a week and a half, I will be jobless.

But I will be happy.

Tomorrow is a Long Time

Nickel Creek

If today was not an endless highway
If tonight was not a crooked trail
If tomorrow wasn’t such a long time
Then lonesome would mean nothing to me at all

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me
Would I lie in my bed once again

I can’t see my reflection in the waters
I can’t speak the sounds that show no pain
I can’t hear the echo of my footsteps
Or remember the sound of my own name

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me
Would I lie in my bed once again

There’s beauty in that silver singing river
There’s beauty in that sunrise in the sky
But none of these and nothing else can touch the beauty
That I remember in my true love’s eyes

Yes, and only if my own true love was waiting
If I could hear his heart softly pounding
Yes, and only if he was lying by me
Would I lie in my bed once again

Oh, Black Day Indeed

I was watching Numb3rs and it bored me. 

What is happening to me? 

Oh, cruel, cruel world!

(Yes, the high brow hilarity continues. This must be fluff week.)

Jibberish Times Three

I haven’t been in blogging mode for a few days, but I have been in sleeping mode. 

Sleep, sleep, sleep, work, work, work, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Ah, but tonight is my last night of work before my two days off. All I can really say is yay, yay, yay!!!!

Oh, this is such the high brow blog!

Tomorrow will probably be consumed by homework, preparation and more sleep, and Thursday will be fun, fun, fun. 

But that post is for the other blog.

A Little Help

Now that I have stepped out of the fog that I sometimes find myself in when I fail to take care of myself, I’m trying to actually work on my writing. 

And I’m not talking about the jibberish I post here, that barely passes for writing. I’m talking carefully constructed pieces that go through drafts and edits and re-writes. 

Ya know… writing. 

Some of you have already read my first foray into peer reviewed writing. Popcorn Popping has sadly become an archive of things past, but Dybbuk and everything else, is still there for the reading. If you’ve already read it, great. If not, go over, take ten minutes out of your day to read it and then come back here and give me some advice. 

Is it worth continuing the story? Should I focus on re-writing it, or should I move on to the next part of the story? Or should I scrap the storyline and start something completely different?

I really want your opinion, so please leave your thoughts in the comments.

Growing Up and Letting Go

Today was a big day for me. 

Today is the day I finally let go of even the idea that we will ever be more than friends. And now that the closure is here, I don’t care if he reads this. I mean, I doubt he even knows where my blog is, but even still. 

I think what finally did it was the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thing. The trait I value most in myself–my intelligence–is why he rejects me as anything more than a friend. I was standing at the kitchen table, carefully constructing my dinner, and I just laughed, quite literally, out loud at the thought of it. 

At work, Barb asked me if I were in a serious relationship with someone else, and Justin wanted to get together, would I leave that person for Justin. I said in all sincerity that I would not.

And then everyone I talked to proceded to disbelieve me. 

Which I gotta tell ya, makes me wonder what kind of girl my friends take me for. 

I mean, I know that when I fall, I fall. If I like you, I adore you and that’s that. I would do absolutely anything for you. 

Anything that would not compromise my integrity. I would never make a serious commitment to someone and then just ditch them because someone “better” came along. 

And someone who has been blind (willfully or not, I am not sure) to my affection for five years is not “better” than someone who would actually make a real and lasting commitment to me. 

I relayed the Barb story to Justin and his response was, “Crystal, you’re just too smart for me. I could never be with someone as smart.”

The line is, and has for some time, been clearly drawn. I was just too stubborn to see it. 

Now that I’ve moved past this barrier, it’s time to start knocking some of the other walls down.