Constant Comparisons

You know, I read the blogs of others quite frequently, and this is why I don’t write un my own as frequently.

I am not them. I do not have their lives. I do not have their concerns. I do not have their talents.

And I certainly do not have their spirituality.

I have the longing; the wishing; the hoping, but I also have the knowledge that I will never be what they are.

You want to know the status of my prayer life? It sucks. I hate it. I feel like I am talking to some invisible man, who quite possibly does not exist.

I say this not because I don’t believe in God. Oh, I am sure he exists up there on His big ol’ mountain. But he is up there and I am down here and I just can’t bring myself to actually believe that he gives a damn about me.

That’s right. I said it. Blasphemy.

I don’t believe in a Personal Savior. Just don’t.

I believe that Jesus died to save us all, and he loves us all, in that crazy way that only God can. But he doesn’t love me, Crystal, crazy girl who prays to an invisible god.

He loves me. Child of God, someday Mother in Zion. Maybe even someone’s wife someday.

I guess I believe that God loves me in concept.

It’s the only way that I can accept it.

I can go to Church. I can pay my tithing. I can serve my neighbor and love him as I love myself.

But don’t ask me to pray.

I don’t believe in a God who answers prayers.

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3 responses to “Constant Comparisons

  1. Let me say it this way: you are in a much better place as regards prayer than I was two years ago. The only advice I have for you is what worked for me: stop thinking that you know anything about God, and realize you know nothing. Then ask Him to let you get to know Him. If you’re lucky, that will happen slowly.

    And one more thing: update my link, could you?

  2. I’ll pray for you. 😉

  3. Tis the beauty of the Eucharist. He overcomes
    the distance and imprisons Himself in bread
    for us. We weren’t meant to relate
    to God in terms of physical-to-Spirit, but
    physical-to-physical.

    But then you knew I’d make THIS pitch, one
    you’ve heard many a time already.
    I’s so predictable. I’m the sort to
    find the easy way:

    “Holy Communion is the shortest and surest way to Heaven,” said Pius X to the Confraternity of the Blessed Sacrament. “There are others, innocence, for instance, but that is for little children; penance, but we are afraid of it; generous endurance of the trials of life, but when they come we weep and ask to be spared. Once for all, beloved children, the surest, easiest, shortest way is by the Eucharist. It is so easy to approach the holy table, and there we taste the joys of Paradise.”

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