Seeing Other People

She had wondered what life would be without him; how she’d get along if she just pretended he had never existed in the first place.

 At first, she had been fearful. She had never tried to envision a world he didn’t rule. Sure, she had gotten angry a time or two and half-heartedly told him how much she had hated him, but that was different. The hatred itself acknowledged his power.

 Now, and for the past six months, she neither hated nor loved him. She felt nothing and that felt good.

 When the sun shone, she was still grateful, but without the guilt that used to accompany the pleasure. She didn’t need to be worthy of the warmth; she only had to be glad.

 She thought it funny that all his lovers could not understand why she did not share in their infatuation with him. To them, he could only be perfect, even in his anger. Her pain could never have been his fault. Surely, she had done something to deserve his displeasure.

 It wasn’t that she hadn’t tried to love him or gain his favor. She had, but it was to no good end. Some are just not meant for each other, and so it was for them.

 She had already been used to the loneliness and coldness of their relationship, so when she finally decided to break free, there were no tears and no regrets, only great relief.

 When she did things he had always disapproved of, she was no longer being unfaithful. Now, he didn’t even enter into her decision making process. Let his stern judgment be placed elsewhere; she was no longer his concern.

 She was sure that if they still communicated, he would insist that he still loved her, and that all he had done was for her own good, but none of that mattered anymore.

 She and God were seeing other people.

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One response to “Seeing Other People

  1. Your story has a couple of parallels to my own. I took a 15 year vacation from the church and gospel. But I couldn’t unknow what I knew to be true.

    When you’re ready to come back, the door is always open. You don’t have to be perfect either. They still let me attend, and I haven’t been rebaptized yet.

    If they can let someone like me back in, they’ll let anyone back in. The doors are always open.

    I haven’t followed your blog enough to know what all the issues are, but I hope you know these things: you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to please the members, you don’t have to eat the gospel any faster than you can digest it.

    Bless you, hon.

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