It’s funny how a need just pops up insistently sometimes, and just tortures you until it is met. It’s so needy that way.
Although I have co-dependent/dependent qualities, and I strive for interdependence, I have always thought of myself as a pretty independent girl. I don’t like the connotation of woman. Woman always sounds matronly to my girlish ears. So, screw being an independent woman. I’ll stick with girl.
Anyway, I’ve always kind of taken care of (or not taken care of) myself. Emotionally, physically, financially. It’s been me. And there’s been a degree of pride to it.
But the thing is… I don’t want to be independent and always in control, at least on some metaphysical level.
I mean, I still want that control in the sense of the neediness. I want to be the one to demand that my need be met, because it is so demanding to me. It distracts me from everything else. Whether I am studying, working, or just trying to relax, the need pops up and says, “Hey, remember me, your incessant need. Get me filled!”
And I can’t. At least not on my own. It’s a need I can’t fill by myself, and it kills me. And yet, it sustains me.
Here is this one thing I do not control; that I don’t get to decide if my need gets filled. And yet, it’s a need. It’s an incredibly awesome mindfuck.
But don’t get me wrong, as awesome as it is, I still want the need met, damn it.
(I think this is where the footstomp goes.)