One of my favorite bloggers wrote in the past few days about being swept away. The timing is almost uncanny, as K and I were talking about that very thing last night.
We both have a tendency to be swept away very easily, and then very easily be hurt. We talked about it in terms of relationships–namely relationships that never last very long for the both of us. I tend to have interesting, passionate relationships that all have one thing in common–their brevity.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not an unwitting victim in all of this. Most of my relationships are ended by me. I very much want to be paired off and happy, but I need not be paired off to be happy, so I am unwilling to settle. I don’t wish to waste his time any more than I wish to waste my own.
The despair comes in the notion that it will always be a waste of time–that no one will be willing to make that investment who is actually worth the investment. I’ve watched every worthy candidate choose perfectly and permanently a different match.
On a meta level, I know all about schools of fish in the sea and an almost infinite possibilty of pairings off. On a much more basic girl level, all I really know is that the other half that not so much completes me, but wholly complements me, just isn’t there. And the search is wearying.
The tapes we listen to, especially the soundtrack given by those we have adored, can influence us in ways that impact our futures in dangerous ways. I wonder if J knows that when he so glibbly told me that no one wants the average looking witty girl, I believed it.
There was a time when I thought understated beauty was enough. That plainness and prettiness were not mutually exclusive.
Oh, but now, they undoubtedly are. When I look in the mirror, I know that my intelect, my personality, my intense desire to be a soft place to fall, will never be enough. I am not beautiful. I can’t even pull off cute. Who wants to shop for a partner off the discount rack?
So, this is the part where the unyielding optimism is supposed to break through and change the tone of the post, but deus ex machina is only effective in the Potterverse.