Category Archives: carpe diem

Out with the Old…

Below is the list of 50 Things I Want(ed) to Do Before I Die, about four years old. Things have changed, but not everything,

Bold are those that I accomplished.

Italics I’m still working on.

Strikethrough are the no longer desireds.

  1. Bear testimony completely by the Spirit.
  2. Spend a summer in Ireland.
  3. Publish a book.
  4. Get married in the Temple.
  5. Go waterskiing.
  6. Climb a mountain.
  7. Get my MBA.
  8. Buy a house.
  9. Understand the Book of Mormon.
  10. Have a two-way conversation with God.
  11. Watch my children get married.
  12. Get out of debt.
  13. Feel comfortable in my own skin.
  14. Own my own business.
  15. Read thousands of books.
  16. Recieve my Edowments.
  17. Speak another language.
  18. Learn to cook well.
  19. Eat lots of chocolate.
  20. Serve a mission.
  21. Learn to ski.
  22. Beat Bret at Pinochle.
  23. Become completely interdependent.
  24. Do what I love for a living.
  25. Say what I mean.
  26. Get my degree.
  27. Visit a monastery.
  28. Live where no one knows my name.
  29. Stop hunger.
  30. Adopt a child.
  31. Watch a World Cup Game live.
  32. Love without fear.
  33. Have confidence in myself.
  34. Watch the Red Sox with ANOTHER World Series.
  35. Sleep under the stars.
  36. Go on a cruise.
  37. Be someone’s hero.
  38. Rock my baby to sleep.
  39. Travel in Europe.
  40. Embrace my inner geek.
  41. Win an argument with Justin.
  42. Be in soccer shape.
  43. Read Catch-22.
  44. Treat my body like a temple.
  45. Walk up the stairs without getting winded.
  46. Decorate my house.
  47. Learn to act on promptings.
  48. Get a Hobby.
  49. Kiss in the rain.
  50. See a Broadway show.

I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same. 

How terribly cliche.

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Before I Die

I check the stats like a crazy person, so I know that nobody reads here anymore. But because I am a crazy person, I’ll continue to post here. Which suits me fine, because I get plenty of attention whore fulfillment on my more private/public blog. Talk about the irony!

Anyway, while I was moving, I found a list from a few years ago of 100 things to do before I die, which was really only 50 items long. It was interesting to read, because I could cross a few off the list because I had accomplished them: 

  • Beat Bret at Pinochle
  • Embrace my Inner Geek
  • Be Comfortable in my own Skin (hey, almost there!)

And some I could cross off because I just don’t want them anymore:

  • Serve a Mission
  • Recieve my Endowments

I guess it’s time for a new list. 

Heck, I love adding new pages, even if no one reads them but me.

Sweaters and Leaves

 Fall is my favorite season. It’s cold enough for sweaters, but not cold enough for snow. The leaves turn countless shades of beautiful–my favorite being that deep red that almost looks purple, and the streets become lined with the leaves that have floated down in farewell until the spring comes and they cling to branches once again. 

And did I mention the extra hour of sleep?

 

But of course, no sleep in happening here, because my brain won’t shut off. My life has become much more complicated, now that I am being all open to new ideas and trying to grow emotionally.

Deciding to be a big girl about life doesn’t mean that I don’t still get my feelings hurt; it just means that my emotional response should be more proportional to the stressor. And I think so far, so good. Most of the time. I’m still going to be very emotionally sensitive. Whether that is a result of the abandonment or the abuse, or just a perfectly healthy character trait, I’m not sure. 

I do know that I am much better at coming down from my irrationality rather quickly, after some time to think things through. This is progress for a girl who usually reacts to any small emotional wound as if the world were truly ending.

Somewhere out there, is my happiness. 

Maybe it will come dressed in a deep red sweater.

Inconcievable

Yesterday, I tried a little experiment. 

Usually, when I listen to my iPod, if a song isn’t one of the chosen few of the moment, I skip right past in to one of my favorites. I don’t even give it the time of day. 

But last night, I decided that as long as I didn’t absolutely hate the song, I was going to listen to it and give it a shot. It was quite enjoyable. 

I’ve also been doing the same with thoughts. Instead of just pushing away everything that didn’t fit into my pre-concieved, narrowly defined paradigm, I entertained thoughts that often leave me uncomfortable. 

A lot of these thoughts have to do with God and divinity in general. I’ve been questioning my conception of God, and where I fit in the scheme of things in a much different way lately. 

In the past, God was just GOD and I was just this completely insignificant, unworthy creation who would simply never be worthy–Atonement or no Atonement. 

And I’ve come to some conclusions that many in my life, culture, and religion would find completely disturbing. But this is my journey and my struggle. My path to enlightenment is simply going to be different than yours, but that’s okay. 

Now that I’ve accepted that, my next post on the nature of God and the inconcievibilty of sin will be much easier to write.

Unnegotiable To-Do List

Left to my own devices, without external guidance, mostly in the form of self-made lists, I would spend all of my time laying in bed, sleeping, stumbling through the internet, and watching Stargate. 

While these things are fine and dandy on a limited basis, the temptation always exists to waste all of my days off doing this. I have two in a row this week, and plenty of things that need doing. 

So, time for not only a To-Do List, but an Unnegotiable To-Do List. I’ll have to conjure up some dire consequences for failure to complete it. Maybe something like watching a Presidential Debate. ::shudder::

  1. Pay Parking Ticket
  2. Pay Excise Tax
  3. Make Turnip Dish
  4. Re-new Prescriptions
  5. Cancel Netflix
  6. Go to Drs
  7. Finish the Structure post for the Other Blog and Post it
Totally managable. 

Happiness in Two Bowls

It took me a little while, but my happiness isn’t found behind a counter; it’s usually right there on the counter, and it often comes in a bowl.

For the longest while, I tied my self worth to my net worth, and my empowerment to my spending power. 

I am such the silly girl. 

A few days ago, I put in my two weeks’ notice. In a week and a half, I will be jobless.

But I will be happy.

Growing Up and Letting Go

Today was a big day for me. 

Today is the day I finally let go of even the idea that we will ever be more than friends. And now that the closure is here, I don’t care if he reads this. I mean, I doubt he even knows where my blog is, but even still. 

I think what finally did it was the sheer ridiculousness of the whole thing. The trait I value most in myself–my intelligence–is why he rejects me as anything more than a friend. I was standing at the kitchen table, carefully constructing my dinner, and I just laughed, quite literally, out loud at the thought of it. 

At work, Barb asked me if I were in a serious relationship with someone else, and Justin wanted to get together, would I leave that person for Justin. I said in all sincerity that I would not.

And then everyone I talked to proceded to disbelieve me. 

Which I gotta tell ya, makes me wonder what kind of girl my friends take me for. 

I mean, I know that when I fall, I fall. If I like you, I adore you and that’s that. I would do absolutely anything for you. 

Anything that would not compromise my integrity. I would never make a serious commitment to someone and then just ditch them because someone “better” came along. 

And someone who has been blind (willfully or not, I am not sure) to my affection for five years is not “better” than someone who would actually make a real and lasting commitment to me. 

I relayed the Barb story to Justin and his response was, “Crystal, you’re just too smart for me. I could never be with someone as smart.”

The line is, and has for some time, been clearly drawn. I was just too stubborn to see it. 

Now that I’ve moved past this barrier, it’s time to start knocking some of the other walls down.